Just Like Brie and Pate

Things are not going well here at Chez My Cubicle. It appears that the fish, he may be ill. I noticed him looking a little plump last week, so I cut back on the food a bit. And by “a bit,” I mean “a great deal.” He obviously didn’t get to eat all weekend, and he was still looking chunky on Monday, so he didn’t eat then either.

Yesterday I noticed he seemed to have increased in size rather than decreased. I grew concerned. I turned to the Internet, Knower of All, Purveyor of Paranoia.

And the Internet delivered.

Apparently my fish has dropsy, which leads to certain death in 3 to 4 days. 

But wait… I first observed this bloatednes last week. And he’s not dead yet (I’m not dead yet!), so it must be something else (I’m feeling better!) After a little more research, I decided that if he doesn’t have dropsy (which is still a distinct possibility, actually), he’s constipated.

As ludicrous as this sounds, it’s actually quite common. Apparently the diet of freeze dried bloodworms and Betta Bites that he loves so much is actually the equivalent of feeding him nothing but brie and pate, then supplementing it with Cheetos.

Because I accept the things I read on the Internet, I accept that the cure for fishy constipation is to feed him a pea. Well, by george, we’re in luck, because I planned to make peas for dinner last night! Curried peas and chicken, in fact! And Indian food is not a constipating sort of food, no no.

Well, ok, maybe no curry for the fish. I just brought some plain frozen peas into work in a small promotional Bailey’s glass. And proceeded to cook them up in the microwave in the staff lounge. With about 6 other people around. While carrying on a conversation about watching hockey on television vs in person at the rink. And no one asked what the hell I was doing with a Bailey’s glass full of peas at 9:30 am.

People, I work in a tolerant office, apparently.

Then came the fun, feeding peas to a carnivorous fish.

First I took a small portion of pea-meat and dropped it in the tank for him. Peas? They sink! Who knew? This one sank straight to the bottom, narrowly missing the fish as it went down. He looked pretty miffed.

OK, so that must be why the websites recommend putting the pea on a toothpick. Not having a toothpick, I used a fork. The fish, he was offended by the fork. I swear, he rolled his eyes at me! (Either that, or he has some other ailment, because I definitely saw white..)

Next I tried to be crafty and make a pudding of sorts by embedding one of his pellets into the pea. He ate the pellet, but not the pea, thus adding to the problem.

However, after the appearance of his Cheetos, he showed much more interest the in the pea-on-fork excitement. Now the bottom of his tank is littered with about five half-peas he wrenched off the fork and threw on the ground.

There’s also one skin from a small experiment I tried.

That experiment did not work.

I know at one point there was a bite of pea in the fish. However, I think he spit this back out (and ate it again and spit it out again, to be quite accurate). I’m not sure there was any real benefit to this whole endeavor.

Currently he’s lurking near the bottom of his tank glowering at the peas scattered about and looking quite bloated. I’m going to the fish store for some professional, in-person advice. If he explodes while I’m gone (which is in no way outside the realm of possibility), I’m sure Amy will hear my screams in Portland….

Update:  The man at the fishy store (it is a WHOLE store dedicated to aquatic creatures, no fluffies to distract me.. also no kitty litter, which I desperately need to purchase) seemed quite convinced that my fish does, indeed, have the dreaded dropsy.  However, he didn’t seem to dread the dropsy nearly as much as the Internet did.  He gave me some fish drugs which apparently contain pheromones to make the fish more inclined to eat them.  And inclined he was, he scarfed down those drugs like he wanted to show the peas what’s what.  He’s been very active this afternoon, but still looking quite pop-at-any-moment fat.